Carrie from Growing a Baby wrote a wonderful, heartfelt post about what it’s like to be a mom who is feeling lonely and a bit caged – she has two little ones, one of them born in June, so I can understand the feeling. She also talks about trusting God and surrendering her will to His. Take a moment to read it, you’ll be glad you did! :-)
Her post touched my heart, and I felt immediately that she was a kindred spirit because I have been going through the same thing lately.
*warning, what comes could possibly sound like complaining, lol*
Emma has been teething and very whiny, and I’ve been needing a break so bad it’s not even funny. We know when we’re reaching the end of our rope – we start getting very grumpy, depressed, or even whiny (shocker).
I know I need a break now and then, but I also have been struggling with who I am in Christ. It was so easy before Emma was born – I had time to clear my head and made time for God. I filled journals with my prayers to God, and that really helped keep me focused on Him every day. I know that He didn’t change or grow apart from me, but I have grown distracted and lost my focus on Him. I’m sinking into the ocean and I don’t like it!*
Finding balance as a mom is a lot harder than I thought it would be. I have a few friends, but they’re either busy with their own little ones or they have no little ones and their schedule and brain runs completely differently than mine. Sometimes it’s my fault for not making more of an effort, though.
At church, I’m the only mom with a toddler. It makes it hard for multiple reasons – people spend so much time looking at, talking to, or talking about Emma that I feel almost invisible. And I’m bad enough at conversation anyway, lol. And if I am in a conversation with anyone, it’s only about surface things because Emma’s either tired and whiny or running off somewhere.
I can’t do any of the things I love like crafting because Emma would get into it. In my free time I blog and read. We live in an apartment and that alone is making me feel cooped up – I grew up in the country and love the fresh air and the ability to go outside and not be seen by “the whole world”. Some quiet would be SO nice! lol
I love love LOVE my baby, but this takes some getting used to.
I really thought I could live without friends and other moms – I thought it made me more tired putting out the extra effort. But the truth is that I need interaction with other Christians. I want to be friends with moms who can relate to what I’m going through with Emma, and find women I can talk to about God. This is something I’m going to be praying about. I’m going to start looking into activities at other churches around me, maybe I can find a women’s group doing a Beth Moore study (I LOVE her studies, they are so encouraging) or a mom’s group. I’m scared, lol. But I’ll do it for my sanity. And my husband’s and daughter’s. ;-)
I have so many blessings in my life, and I want to be able to enjoy them and thank God for them rather than always complaining about something in my life, or waiting for that next thing that will “make life better”. I want to be a person everyone wants to be around because I’m positive and encouraging. I want to be able to enjoy my life and my wonderful husband and my child. I want to be there for others when they need help.
The same way Carrie felt that she was “kicking and screaming” down the path God had laid for her – I know I’ve done the same thing recently. I have felt in the past (five minutes, haha) that I can’t relax or be happy until we find a better church, get to a better stage in Emma’s life (like past teething), or get _____(insert any item that can be bought)____. Or get a house. I’m pretty sure I would be perfectly happy with a house. ;-)
No, I know that my life is complete only in God. I think He wants me to be focus on learning to trust Him, to focus on “raising my child up in the way she should go”, to be a help to my husband, and to pray for my family.
I read recently in Fear Not Tomorrow, God is Already There by Ruth Graham (fantastic book, by the way) this passage:
Shifting our focus is first a decision, then a process. When we turn to God, our decision opens a door for peace and reassurance to enter our hearts. The Bible says of God, “You will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You” (Isaiah 26:3). When we focus on God, peace follows. I find that as I concentrate on God, as I examine facets of his character, as I spend time with Him in prayer, sharing my heart and quieting myself to listen, as I meditate on what the Bible says about Him, as I read about Jesus and observe the way he handled life – as I “stay” my mind on God – my problems begin to lose their power over me. Instead, I recognize the power, the beauty, and the love of God. He is my focus now. I am learning about Him and getting to know Him. And the more I learn, the more I discover I can trust Him.
For me, all this has to do with trusting God. I have a hard time with that – I want to fix everything myself right now. I want everything perfect right now. And if it’s not, I’m not happy. I recognize that that’s not trusting God, though. I’ve been through some things in my life that have shown me that it is stupid NOT to trust and rely on God actively (praying, waiting, whatever).
So anyway, thank you for bearing with me for this post. I’m not sure how much sense it actually made – I’ve got a lot of thoughts going through my head right now, and a lot of praying and thinking to do. I really hope I’m not the only confused and seeking mom in the world, lol. It really just shows me how much I do need God. I know things will only get better if I follow the path He has laid before me. Without kicking and screaming, preferably. ;-)
*And in the fourth watch [between 3:00–6:00 a.m.] of the night, Jesus came to them, walking on the sea. And when the disciples saw Him walking on the sea, they were terrified and said, It is a ghost! And they screamed out with fright.
But instantly He spoke to them, saying, Take courage! I AM! Stop being afraid!A)”>(A)
And Peter answered Him, Lord, if it is You, command me to come to You on the water.
He said, Come! So Peter got out of the boat and walked on the water, and he came toward Jesus. But when he perceived and felt the strong wind, he was frightened, and as he began to sink, he cried out, Lord, save me [from death]!
Instantly Jesus reached out His hand and caught and held him, saying to him, O you of little faith, why did you doubt?
And when they got into the boat, the wind ceased.
And those in the boat knelt and worshiped Him, saying, Truly You are the Son of God!